you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
