At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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