i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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