i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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