did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
