Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
