I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
