i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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