i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
