All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
