wat bout pragnant strippers??
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize