So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
