yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
