EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I will pee on everything he values.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
