If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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