I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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