we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize