the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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