Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
