The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
