I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
