Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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