My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
