Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
