I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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