this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
porn star boner night. come get it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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