I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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