I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
