How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
