he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
