So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
