smell my finger.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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