I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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