And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize