Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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