im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
