3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
