I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Semen is not good for contacts.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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