HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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