??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
