you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
