I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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