matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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