farters have to be the big spoon...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
