I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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