I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
