A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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