Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize