the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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