so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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