i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
