I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
