I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
