Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
honey bunches of taint.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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