She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
