I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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