I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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