Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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