look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
