as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
