I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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