but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
