also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
